A Retreat from Love

Loneliness is healthy. Yes I said it. Of course that statement varies. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I love… love! Ever had that feeling when in a brand new relationship you would wish it would last forever. Every time! Every fricken time. Like I have said before, change is constant. There was a time in my life where I couldn’t accept that. I needed everything to stay the same. Which for my case break ups took a toll on me. I have been in almost 3 back to back long-term relationships since high school. (And by long term I mean 4 years max) don’t laugh.

Which each break up I was alone. Some of the times I would cry and stay in bed. Other times I would watch dramas that would make me cry. The problem with it was I never stayed alone for long. I met someone new who swept me off my feet and I drop the feelings like they were never there. WRONG! I hadn’t learned yet. There is a point to this I promise.

I hit an emotional rock bottom on my last relationship. It was almost 2 years ago. I didn’t want to give up, as usual. I fought to fix us until things got really bad. I was broken. I was alone. I needed wanted to leave but was forced to stay because my relatives felt the benefits outweigh the circumstances. Though my heart was broken we were still under the same roof. Though I wanted to stay in bed and cry I was enrolled in college and my children needed me. Since I was trapped I dealt with it. I worked, school and my kids had after school activities so I didn’t have time to be sad. I was taking care of everything all around me but I forgot to take care of myself. I went days without eating and wouldn’t realize it. I kept my routine as if everything was normal forgetting my health.

No one cared when I was hospitalized. He was upset he had to miss leg day and was angry with me. I didn’t die so my relatives reassured me that at least I had a roof over my head. I was expected to assume house duties as soon as I was discharged. I moved out 2 weeks later.

I was stuck in a town faraway from home. Just the kids and I against the world. I cry easily. I remember crying when the landlady gave me my key. So that happened just like every other relationship. The only difference was that I was truly alone. I hadn’t seen my relatives in years. No one would ever visit me. It was a scary thought. I knew what I was getting myself into. I made my choice.

I did not intend to live there forever so I refused any future emotional connection. I had to make bigger plans and use the town as a stepping stone. Because of the way the relationship ended I wasn’t sad. I wasn’t holding on to the memories of love since past. I didn’t want it. I started hobbies. I socialized. I started living.

Alone I was able to think. I was able to take a step back and analyze myself. I didn’t want to be angry anymore or worried. I didn’t want to be suspicious or afraid. The series of events to follow after leaving him made it easy for me to cut off ties with anyone who brought me down negatively. I didn’t want to put up with anything anymore. Now I didn’t ghost people. To clearly cut ties you have to do the hard part: speak up. I needed them to know what I didn’t want to speak to them anymore. Whether they accepted it or not was up to them. My conscience is clear when I move on.

So a friend and I are always chatting about taking a big trip. One day we put the deposit down and the countdown began! 1 year countdown. -______- I learned a lot about myself that year. Having an adventure to look forward to is awesome! Having a adventure to look forward to single is.. confusing. I have this big trip to the Bahamas coming up! (Thanks you Carnival Cruise) I need a beach body. I need…. a date! My friend is married and I got a cabin solo. Anything I have done has always been with my kids or my significant other. I have never been solo. At first I had dread the thought. I need a date.

It wasn’t realistic. I didn’t want to date but I needed a date? Really? Spoiler alert: I didn’t have a date.

I wasn’t sure if I would be happy on the trip. I didn’t want to bring anyone down but I was worried the loneliness would overwhelm me. I always thought an adventure would be more enjoyable as a couple. I didn’t have time to process any feelings as I entered my cabin because we started drinking right away! It was a lovely reunion. First day of the cruise you look around you get drunk before setting sail. You don’t? You should. We had a blast. That night however I was afraid. I couldn’t think. I was lying in bed alone thinking if my choices were worth it. I didn’t sleep much that night. Gladly so because I was up before the sunrise. My cabin had a balcony and with a blanket I sat out there and listened to the waves. It was so vast. So overwhelmingly beautiful. I felt so small compared to the ocean. Why are my worries so something that doesn’t exist so large? Is it larger than this ocean? No.

So I chose to let it go. The one year had been the longest I have ever been single. I could do another year. A year to commit to me. A year to commit to living. I would have brought the kids I thought to myself, but our spring breaks were opposite months. That I will never understand. It’s all in the same town, in the same state. Why can’t Universities and Independent school district sync their breaks!? That is a topic for another time. I decided that this would be the last trip I take without them. They are old enough now I think to be able to appreciate an adventure.

The rest of my trip was amazing! Carnival has food everywhere all hours of the day! Karaoke, dancing, casino, food, mini golf, board games, food… We did it all! My only regret is that I had a terrible water proof camera and all underwater photos were lost. So I won’t blog about my underwater awakening until I have some pictures to share. Which will be sooner than later.

I came home from the cruise refreshed. I was confident, I was fearless I was happy. Because I make myself happy. I shouldn’t have depended on someone else to do that for me. Being alone was something I really needed. It gave me the strength to say no, because no. If that makes sense. If I took my time, kept a clear train of thought I know I would find someone who would love me unconditionally. Stay tuned. 🙂

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